mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
