Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
