did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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