Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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