I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
