my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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