Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
