my shit smells like andre
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My vagina is very pro this idea
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