I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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