the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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