2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
