My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
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