Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
