If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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