Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
