I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
