You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
