I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
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I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
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Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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