I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
