I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
