I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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