I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
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I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
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You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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