tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
