hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
