she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
