just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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