She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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