So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
