Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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