I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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