you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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