seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
