I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
