I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
