I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
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