when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
