Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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