trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Did I show you my penis last night?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
