my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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