This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
