i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
