Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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