If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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