I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Who died my cat blue again?
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