Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
