OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
