im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
