there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
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come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
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