When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
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He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
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You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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