I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
