its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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