I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
