I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
