Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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