i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
just tell him i said nine months
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
