um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
