i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
being pregnant is like rehab
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
