My friends, they love my intelligence
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
