I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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