i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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