I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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